Tales of A Lost Soul

~Looking back...verse Ichi~

Heh, that event was a blast!
Many like me,
Many greater than me,
Many crazier than me.
Many individuals gathered.

Sure twas fun, all the crazyness
All the insanity.
The cheap and good food.
All the beautiful art displays.
Enjoyed the wii too.

Heh, yet...you know what?
Somewhere deep within...
It felt...empty.
I should know best the reason.
Four petals were missing, weren't they?

Perhaps that was the answer.
But then again, maybe not.
Maybe its something else.
How could I know?
Heh...how could I know...

~Regrets...Verse Yon~

If only I had one wish
It'd be to repeat again
Those moments
I was a fool back then
Even replied like a jerk
Is there still a chance to amend?
My wrong doings?

How long...has it been?
Saa...mou...kamawan.
Holy remnants flash here and there
Shards of memories
The good moments and feelings
The comfort...
Now lost...

If only I could be reborn...and go through it all again.
I'll pour my heart and soul to get it right.
But now...are my efforts worth to heal the field?
Saa...perhaps its all futile and useless.
Might as well stay put. And Weep.

Wonder how long I can last.
I'm not that strong.
Can I still amend this tattered sleeve?
Shards of the broken spheres...
Am I able to forge them back together again?

Perhaps...not with my own power.
My power alone is not enough.
I'm powerless to begin with.

Yet I still gaze at opaque mirages.
Avoiding the one the chiseled those illusions.
Am I afraid...or just...tired?
Answers only two know...perhaps three or more...
Heh...ore no sei da.

Yurusareru...ka...

*Inspired by kakeras of precious omoi, that flutters slowly...both happy yet sad.

~Regrets...Verse San~

Unexpected...really unexpected.
I went up
Saw
Asked...
It hit me
The painful reality,
The truth.

I brought this upon myself
Of course I am to blame
No...I am not angry towards anyone
Anyone but myself
I was an idiot, probably still am

Heh, receiving the blow head on really hurts like hell
Isn't that what I'm supposed to endure?
Its my fault after all.
There's no running away.
Will I ever be...forgiven?
Heh, one more pillar to ask forgiveness from.
So...the burden becomes even heavier.

I know not how I may be forgiven...or even when
But I'll pour my heart and soul into it.
Slowly....SLOWLY.
For I am impatient.
I must train myself.
In life, in my artes, and in my heart.
I must endure...even with a smile.

A smile...egao...ka...
How long has it been?
Not the made up one.
An honest and pure one.
How long since the last time my heart enjoyed it?
Wait, was there even one? Saa...Heh, I did this mess.
Now I have to suffer.

Its fair right?

To receive blows head on
To be patient...
Is that not what a Paladin is?
I still am far from that
A very long road...lies ahead of me.
Will my life be that long to reach it?
Saa...

~Aratanaru Kaze...Verse Ichi~

Its been too long...
A new breeze blows
Like those flowers that only bloom at night...
I stood there with them, yet again
Am I different from the me before?

Do I look like I desire nothing?
No...no...this must be shut deep within untold.
Another verse then.

Dusk emerges...
This dark wing is...heavy.
Oh...how much I missed the light

I missed it...the heavenly garden
I was not strong enough
I missed the short but surely beautiful glimpse
The sole reason why I am here...
And I missed it.

And, then...I got weaker
Now this wing crushes my soul with its weight
The regrettable cycle continues to turn...

Haven't I been already bathed by it a while back?
Yes, but to miss it...oh the misery!
I know nothing, can I go into the garden again?
Am I allowed?
This tainted soul wishes for the blessing that came from heaven's garden on earth...

~Flashbacks...Verse Ichi...~

If only I stayed silent
At that time
Maybe it wouldn't have sparked the ordeal
But I didn't
It spread faster than a plague

This...is all my fault
Its too late to undone
We can't go back...I can't
If only I was calm enough
I might be laughing now, smiling a smile of happiness

Yet...here I am...
In this solitude
All alone
In the shadows
Weak and spiritless
I have not the spirit to fight back
The shadow cycle spins rapidly

All this may not actually be connected...
Yet again, maybe they are
Is this...my punishment?
Eventhough I was the one who brought this...this sad wind onto myself...
It might have been written from the very beginning...
One of many possibilities
And I made my fate walk on this road...

Aren't I foolish?
"Learn from our mistakes and move on..."
Easier said than done.
This pain, this anguish of regret of my own ignorance and selfishness...
I can barely stay sane
How weak can I get...hahaha
I always told myself to be strong...
Yet...in the end...nothing!
Is this even the end?
Saa...I don't really know...
Its scary to know when it'll end, no?
But I don't know
Not knowing when it'll end...but I still linger around aimlessly

Really, what kind of ungrateful servant am I?
Orokana, yowai, heh...
So, I have to embrace this punishment...
To atone for my sins? Or is it?
Saa...wakannai...

I wanted to believe it
But its all just a dream
I...can't go back now...can I?

~Regrets...Verse Ni~

Heh...
Let this portrait be,
A memorial for me
For my impatience
So I'd be a better man tomorrow

This portrait...
Brings back pain and lessons
On my selfishness
Always rushing my fights
Crying regrets in the end
For my losses
Let this portrait be on my wall...so I will remember

This portrait...the prettiest of the lot...in my view
Just my taste...
Those eyes...they looks sad...
A sad beauty
Out of my reach
For now...
Can I reach them again?

Heh...saa na...
That portrait...two counts left
Till the final decision

The other figure
Also two counts left
Till the final decision

Still far
Still far...is it?
It may be far...may be near
Who knows? Heh...
Of course I know who knows...

I...its strange
How long has it been?
When was the last time I shed a tear of sadness?
Now I only shed of tiredness of the physical me
Even those sad memories of others...
Made me shed not even a drop
Has mine dried up?

Or is it just...me?
Hard to cry
Never to cry
A burning soul that never cries?
Muri2
Then what?
Saane...

~Regrets...Verse Ichi~

Look at this mess
I deserve to go through this ordeal
Heck I should cut off my tongue
Sometimes...all the time
My emotions overflow my judgment

Look at this mess
If only I was silenced forever
Then it would not be like this
Then perhaps the door might have opened
Argh!!!What a fool I am!

My feelings clouded my judgement
Damn I'm such a fool
I should just shut up
What a bastard I am
Heck I should just be alone

Argh! Dammit now what!
Its all messy and cold!
Damn!

I wish those memories were erased
That would be better
Their memories, not mine dammit
Shut up thing!
Ack! I'm going nuts!

*****************************************************************************************
And this one is an entry of the past
Where my soul was nothing more
Than a mere speck of dust:

This is my fight
My Bell, it is not her fault
Not her fault my soul is dead
I may care for others too much
Too much for my own good.

This pain, is not as painful as before
Maybe because I was following half of my desires...
And restraining the other half
I fed myself with the past...past memoirs
It was quite entertaining, yet to be finished
I may hold until then...
But after that...only Allah knows

Tis a pain just to lay my eyes on the light
Ah, I wonder how long I can last
Its only been two days
I know now, likes and dislikes a bit
Though its a thing of a past

Heh, how long will I last I wonder...
I'll just wait, and see if what I do has effects
I've already bothered Bell, My Bell like hell
I feel sorry for her
I must be such a nuisance
Ugh...I'm not talking abstract at all
I'm simply throwing buckets of emotions on these papers and ink.

Just two days
My soul is dead
It is my fight, I decided it.
I'm holding out well, this battle.
Wonder why I bothered.
I've got a Holy War to win.
Tch...taku...maybe I was shown this way...

Yes, maybe I was guided to this battle...
I'll need patience and strength
Till I get the answer.

***

My spirit has lost all zest
My full potential...blocked.
I'll just wait and see...
I might get the answer after I finished this word,
Or maybe tomorrow, the day after
Next week, month, or decade.
Perhaps centuries or millenniums
Only Allah Knows
My battle continues

Though, on a brighter note
My shadow gets weakened
Weakened by that light
Perhaps it is beneficial after all
I need not worry bout my shadow no more

Hmph...heh...a song flutters
"I close the old album"
And look at the big sky
With white wings
I've let loose with my sisters
The pain was not much though
Compared to what the light brought

***

Not here...its not here...
Then...what now?
I'm blind without it.
Sadness glooms over me
I need it badly

Where is...my light?

My heart became heavy
Ugh...I became dizzy
My void widens, soul dies
My heart tightens
Is it there? My hope? Dokoda!!!

*********************************************************************************************
And the past has been recorded...

Tis a sad thing my actions led to this
Now what?
Saa...I know nothing...

No wonder its been getting colder and colder...
My idiotic actions has turned my world into the abyss
Though with angelic embraces...
The me right now...
Feel's...dead...yet again...